Ivan Bittertizov fucking hates you
By Ivan Bittertizov
Monday. Oct 15, 12:29 PM
O'Death, Reel Big Fish, You Say Party! We Say Die!, Against Me!, Free Diamonds, Miss Fairchild.

O’Death Head Home (Ernest Jenning)

When The Indie Police says “ethnic instruments” are the Hipster Makers of the day, O’Death nod, get out the kneepads, and start Vaseline-ing their mouths.

Reel Big Fish Monkeys For Nothin’ and the Chimps For Free (Rock Ridge)

Wh… WHAT!? Reel Big Fish are still around? And they have a new album? Hahahahahahaha… (gasps for air) wait wait, that means people are actually still listening to these bags of donuts? AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (cough, cough, really gasping for air) Oh ho ho ho, and they’re STILL sticking with Mongoloidian wink-wink nudge-nudge titles and early ‘90s “funny” ska punk!!!??? HAHAHAHAHEHHEHHOHOHOHOHHAHAHA!!! (asphyxiating on laughter) Oh boy, let me see here, what could I possibly make into a joke that these guys haven’t already done so themselves? (tries to keep serious face) PPPPFFFFFFFFBWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You Say Party! We Say Die! Lose All Time (Paper Bag)

The Next Big Thing: dig in the dumpsters behind Victory Records for unused Silverstein backing tracks, add some subway announcements as “vocal overdubs,” and cap it off with smug ironic band name… BAZAM! Mass appeal achieved!

Against Me! New Wave (Siren)

You can’t say Against Me! suck now just cuz they’ve “sold out” to a major label… cuz they’ve sucked for far longer than that. You know how you hate it when an unshowered bum, shirtless and caked with dirt and sores, rubs his drunken fat belly in your face during rush hour bus rides to work? Well, Against Me! sound like the way that dude smells, beard full of “So? A turtle just pissed in here. The fuck do I care? I’m a fucking bum!” for you to call “punk.”

Free Diamonds By the Sword (Deep Elm)

And the winner of this edition goes to this astounding group from the corner of Chris Farley’s High Child Laughs and Third-Rate Comedians Doing Funny Voices. Drop a SCREAMING preschool full of crying toddlers on top, and you’ve got the equivalent of Free Diamonds. Wow, I never thought a human voice could be this grating, annoying, and makes-me-wanna-murder-puppies, but I guess you’ve found just the right combination.

Miss Fairchild Ooh La La Sha Sha

Bullied throughout middle and high school, this tireless trio of ultimate geeks eventually develop smartaleck-y, funny-name-and-all a cappella group in college, oiling up their grotesque “cutesy nerd” act in order to finally bag some fatties. Post-college and determined to put 300 lb. poon behind them, they form another funny named group, but this time with real instruments and the cutesy nerd act amplified through – what else? – tongue-in-cheek / ironic “White boy R&B funk.” Cuz if people laugh at them, “Oh, we’re just joking around! We’re not a real band!” If middle aged women start dancing to them, “Hell yeah! Bring us your daughter! Wait… she weighs less than 300 lbs., right? No? It doesn’t matter! I’ll take what I can get!” If actual cute girls fall for the gimmick (but never the music, of course), then, “Aww girl, you see how fly we are? We’re groovalicious and clever!” (extend index finger on both hands, raise thumbs, point to girl and “pew pew” shoot love shots) Someone PLEASE pay some jocks to reinstall the feeling of humiliation in Miss Fairchild’s bones.

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