Ivan Bittertizov fucking hates you
By Ivan Bittertizov
Monday. Jun 25, 3:17 PM
Lesbians On Ecstacy, Drawing Voices, Child Abuse, These Are Powers, Art Brut, Datarock.
Lesbians On Ecstasy We Know You Know (Alien8)
Yes, I know what you’re trying to do: in your quest to battle female stereotypes and homophobia, you also want us to believe that anyone who has a pussy that loves its own kind also only listens to music that sounds like Martians getting their tentacles stuck in garbage disposals. Fucking pounding distress signals into their sci-fi transmitters, unintentionally creating a rhythmic pattern out of the sqeals and quafs and queefs (and let’s not forget tentacle pain). Call me ignorant, but if this is lesbian music, then give me Lilith Fair any day. At least the bushes on that thing came with fit bodies, angelic faces, and music that didn’t make frogs explode from sickness. Seriously, being fat and having a shitty band isn’t winning you any pro-lesbian comrades.
Drawing Voices (Hydra Head)
I’m fucking suing these guys. Recording a slow-simmering pot of piss was MY idea!
Child Abuse (Lovepump United)
From the geniuses who brought you so-useless-they-should-be-shot AIDS Wolf come Child Abuse: because we need more craftless, aimless, poseur bullshit art fag imitations of grindcore. Extra fag points for “weird” keyboard sounds, “crazy” time changes, and hiring a clueless donkey’s ass of a bio writer who compared this heap of bumsperm to Suffocation. Someone play these guys Broken Hope and watch as their bodies combust into a pile of bloody, chunky mess of American Apparel, bike messenger bags, and hipster bedhead.
These Are Powers Silver Lung / Funeral Xylophone / Crows of Troy (Elsie and Jack)
These are high school drop out hippies waxing poetic over broken radiators, carburetors, and doghouse fires. It’s very artistic and experimental and definitely worth your hard earned bucks. Oh, and yeah: eating the slimy film off my knob is very nutritious for you.
Art Brut It’s a Bit Complicated (Downtown)
The Darkness’ third album finally surfaces: with studio intern Wellington Smithers III taking over vocal duties and fulfilling his long-gestating dream of “making a British rap-rock record!”
Datarock Datarock Datarock (Nettwerk)
Oh Nettwerk, you should really know better than to jump on the hipster electronica wagon, especially when your roster’s crammed with some of today’s best singer/songwriters. Not that branching out is a bad thing, but Röyksopp these fellas ain’t. Datarock are interested in one thing and one thing only: to rape beyond rape, exploit beyond exploit early 21st century’s self-constipating need for more nostalgia, in-jokes that aren’t funny, and half-assed self-referential “hip indie irony.” Devo keys: check. Lyrics mentioning lines from Revenge of the Nerds: check. Occasional, totally inappropriate guitar downstrokes stolen from The Strokes: exactly where they don’t belong. Hey, what’s this? Your coffee shop employee / beat poet / tattoo artist / vegan roommate loves it? What a cataclysmic shock! I say the two of you start a bass-less duo that only plays Datarock covers as grindcore songs. With funny titles. While referencing Napoleon Dynamite.
Got something constructive to say? By all means, rant away. Gonna blab about something unrelated and/or talk shit? Don't expect your comment to stick around.
live at Bowery Ballroom (New York, NY) April 3rd, 2008.
live at Paradise (Boston, MA) April 3rd, 2008.
live at Paradise (Boston, MA) March 18th, 2008.
Grand Ole Party, Keyshia Cole, Another Animal.
at Masonic Temple (Brooklyn, NY) Jan. 25th, 2008.
Closing one chapter and opening another.
Fails to capture a strong emotion from either side of their musical blueprint.
Creating a whole new vocabulary to their language.
Willing to do it when no one else will.
Not afraid to tread the waters of pop innocence.
in re: to child abuse review:
ivan, broken hope is the most sub par of all tech death metal. you couldnt think of another example? you'd be suprised what american apparel/bike messenger 'fags' actually listen to on their Ipods. defintely not child abuse. maybe something like japanther.
and another thing, child abuse isnt a metal band you idiot.
Why bother coming up with other examples when even a sub-par one will do? Do Child Abuse deserve a more illustrious competitor than Broken Hope? Why don't YOU tell us, Mr. Defender of The Bastion of Individuality and Originality That is the Consumption of American Apparel and Bike Messenger Bags. I'm sure that, when you reveal the stunning contents of your peers' iPods, it'll shock us so that we'll even stop touring the interactive spectacle that is your mother's genitals to swoon with awe.
Child Abuse are not a metal band? That would explain why the bio compared them to Suffocation. You, Lord Cocksuck, fail at paying attention.
PS: Japanther wouldn't even know where to start gurgling Broken Hope's piss.
ho-lee-shit, i just wet myself after reading the review for Drawing Voices.