Ivan Bittertizov fucking hates you
By Ivan Bittertizov
Tuesday. Feb 20, 2:31 PM
Stylex, River City High, The Number Twelve Looks Like You, Villebillies, Vixen.

Stylex Tight Scrapes (Pretend)

I got nothing against homosexuals, but someone really should kill these fags dead. Get an eunuch, smash a toy keyboard over his head again and again, record him screaming in pain while doing a David Byrne impression, and watch as he automatically replaces the collective existence of Stylex. Oh, and then (of course) kill him too.

River City High Not Enough Saturday Nights (Takeover)

Fuck my face to infinity, what’s it gonna take to sink these bozos? Not a cheesy ass MTV competition, not a stint on Big Wheel Recreation (possibly the worst label of all time)… what!? What, I ask you!!!??? River City High are like cockroaches who just won’t die: ugly, sleazy, eating-the-corn-out-of-your-shit pests who make you wanna rip your hair out, they’re that persistently annoying. Parachute these guys, amps on 11, deep into Iraq, and watch in stunned silence as the nation’s insurgents fall to their knees with tears, feces, and blood exploding out of their orifices.

The Number Twelve Looks Like You Put on Your Rosy Red Glasses (Piermont)

I’m not gonna lie to ya: I’m actually going to hunt you down and murder you. Why? Cuz your cunty, ironic suburbanite hipster ears didn’t hear my previous warnings, so now you will pay the ultimate price for rendering early grindcore / noisecore into some sort of emo experiment. You are going to die. Mark my words. I am going to fly scissor kick your ribs, snapping enough of ‘em so that I can bend your bruised body in half for you to eat your own genitals. Maybe your friends can then write a witty “Longtitlewithnomeaning” song about you (and then await the same fate).

Villebillies (Universal Motown)

Attention major labels: perhaps you missed the orgies some of your coworkers attended with indie rock these past few years, but shit like this don’t fly no more. Uncle Kracker and Everlast might’ve been flashes in the pan novelty hits earlier in the decade, but in the year 2007 you gotta play sensitive and vulnerable to rake in the girls – I mean audience – and the $$$. Villebillies sound like a goddamn Mad TV sketch going off the rails… and straight into a 50 year-old multimillionaire / corporation-owning White guy’s out of touch wet dream: “White guys singing about ghetto life! To Black music! Funky MiDi samples!” Uh oh, here comes MC Crazy Titch: you better hope that giant grapefruit juicer he’s got is for his smoothie.

Vixen Live & Learn (Demolition)

Headline from Metal Edge: “Vixen Record Reunion Album on Boombox, Spend Rest of Budget on Botox; Old Fans No Longer Able to Masturbate to Band’s ‘80s Press Photos.”

Got something constructive to say? By all means, rant away. Gonna blab about something unrelated and/or talk shit? Don't expect your comment to stick around.