Ivan Bittertizov fucking hates you
By Ivan Bittertizov
Monday. Oct 09, 11:55 AM
Powerman 5000, The Summer Obsession, Peaches, Skullflower, Paris Hilton, Wolf Eyes.

Powerman 5000 Destroy What You Enjoy (DRT)

When you’re a Masshole who played nü metal in a band with a bunch of “funny haired” clowns, I expect you to jump ship and go Motley Crue hard rock as soon as the trends change. But when you’re all that and Powerman 5000? You’re the worst of the worst and I fully expect you to choke on cock in order to land a slot on “Guns N’ Roses”’ (quotations intended) upcoming tour. Because you’re about as out of touch as Axl is from his toes.

The Summer Obsession This is Where You Belong (Virgin)

And apparently that obsession is with Auto Tune. Okay, I know every single artist in music today uses the damn plug-in, but I think someone in the studio slipped on a banana peel (insert cartoon slide whistle sound effect here) and pushed the lever to “robot Pinocchio” on this one. Jesusfuck, why bother even having humans on records anymore? Just use that OK Computer creepy talking voice and Auto Tune it till it sings the song. Cuz, seriously, that’s what The Summer Obsession sound like, except neutered and mastered with extra WHINE in the mix.

Peaches Impeach My Bush (XL)

Would you buy a suit from a designer because of how good he is at ukulele? So why would you buy music because of how good the “artist” is at fashion and other useless bullshit? Peaches is the perfect example of insipid people praising other insipid people not because of talent, but because it’s “cool,” “arty,” and “fashionable.” There is nothing within Impeach My Bush – or Peaches’ entire existence, for that matter (shit, throw in Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Deerhoof, Out Hud, and every other overrated electroclash group in there too) – that deserves the soiling your ears. Someone somewhere decided that, if you are beyond tone deaf, original, and/or annoying, you should be worshipped by art school fucktards because you are “controversial” and “fearless.” I got news for you: staying alive in the Siberian wild while hunting your own kill is an art. Queefing into a microphone while cross-dressing (or actually liking such vapid junk, or attending art school) is so shallow and predictable, it should be punishable by necro-fellatio.

Skullflower Tribulation (Crucial Blast)

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SSSGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
BBBBBBBBBBBFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Did I just waste two seconds of your life? Be thankful, cuz you would’ve wasted more on this static-filled, so-called “CD.” You’re welcome.

Paris Hilton (Warner Bros.)

It’s like Warner Bros. made a deal with the Devil: “Okay, you get to have The Flaming Lips, Muse, Mastodon, Cut Chemist, Slayer, and Built To Spill… but you have to put out an album by Paris Hilton.”

“Oh fucking Labiachrist! No deal!”

“Wait: just think of how many overweight fat asses will buy it simply to fill their empty lives with more celebrity drivel!”

“Wow, that’s like all of America.”

“I know.”

“I don’t have to fuck her in her vermin-looking face, do I?”

“Yes, you do.”

“You drive a hard bargain, Devil.”

Wolf Eyes Human Animal (Sub Pop)

See Skullflower.

Got something constructive to say? By all means, rant away. Gonna blab about something unrelated and/or talk shit? Don't expect your comment to stick around.